Day of Silence… or maybe not.

fullsizeoutput_855Last night was the Nyepi ceremonies in Bali. Nyepi is the Hindu New year and a day of silence follows the evening ceremonies. Huge hindu demon god statues are carried around in a procession. It is the day the Hindu demons come out and fly over the land and in order that they fly over and don’t enter anyones homes, silence and darkness is needed. No one is allowed on the streets from 6am. Everything shuts down and closes including the airport. From 6pm til 6am the following morning there is no electricity.

A day of silence.

It is also the New Moon.

Time to think about what I would like to let go of this moon phase.

For me… I am letting go of expectations. Surrendering and letting go of what and how I expect things to look, feel and turn out.

I am now in Ubud, for Nyepi, the spiritual medicine capitol of Bali. Busy, buzzing, amazing jungle energy around. I am here to prepare for assisting on the second half of the forrest yoga teacher training which starts tomorrow. So its like a lock in our resort with all the 41 trainees, assistants and lead teachers, as well as all the other people staying here on holiday.

There is a peaceful calming energy in the air that comes with this lock in and day of silence.

A surrendering and letting go that comes with not being able to go anywhere or do anything.

I am choosing to have time on my own even if I could surround myself all day with friends which is what I usually would have done.

I choose to sit on my own in a beautiful shaded pagoda and write this.

Maybe do a meditation.

Really beginning to enjoy ‘being’ here…now.

Really enjoying ‘being’ present which can be a struggle for me.

“Being’ in this blissful state of gratitude.

Surrendering my mind to the silence.

Connecting to my breath at all times.

Noticing and becoming really sensitive to the subtleness but such brightness of the beauty around me.

Feeling the cool breeze whisper past my head and through my hair. Listening for messages from the trees as their leaves dance in the wind.

The brightness of the colours of the tropical flowers all around.

The patterns and beauty in the tree trunks and shapes the branches of the trees make.

The shadows from the sun and trees and plants.

Becoming more and more present.

More and more connected.

Of course… life has other ideas for me to learn about silence and stillness.

Im not on my own for long. My friends come over wanting to play cards. The 3 of them climb onto the pagoda.

I am carrying on with what I am doing…wanting to be SILENT!

They put on some music.

They are talking….loudly

They start slamming their cards down on the table.

My silence is clearly been interrupted.

Its interesting to observe a slight annoyance build up inside of me with every bang, interruption, distraction.

Bu no sooner that I notice the resistance… I begin giggling to myself as I am writing this …. laughing at yet another opportunity to surrendering to this moment I have attracted.

Letting go of expectations of what I wanted my day of silence to look like.

Allowing what comes my way.

Embracing these wonderful beings that I love so dearly, to be around me whilst I remain still and silent.

Embracing this moment as it is and what gifts it has to offer me.

Drinking the nectar.

I am still within myself and embracing the peace I can feel within when there is noise and distractions around me.

This feeling of groundedness.



All within.

What a gift to be able to embrace and connect to the silence and stillness within when there is noise and distractions around you.

What a gift to be able to choose to either feel annoyed by a situation or surrender and receive what the universe has presented  before you.


Hearts touching and touching hearts


My heart is filled with so much gratitude and warmth this morning.

I have just left breakfast having spent the last hour sitting and talking with the manager of my hotel Amy.

Amy was born male and identifies as female. She is one of the few transgenders in the community here and there are really very few. She doesn’t have any other trans friends here.

From the moment I checked in, we connected. She has this  warm and sweet energy and is a bright light waiting to shine brighter.

Everyday I have been here, we talk a little more. She shows her vulnerability and insecurities with me which is so very endearing.  But this morning was different. This morning we sat and shared our lives, our fears, our insecurities and our dreams.

She shared with me the deeply traumatic childhood she had and how she has overcome so much adversity to be sitting next to me, with the courage to express and be her true self and the determination to have got herself the job as manager at this hotel at age 22. She has no family support and has done it all on her own.

Her story touches my heart  and our hearts connect deeply this morning.

I ask her what her dreams are.

If she could do anything more right now what would she do?

She would love to go to university to study… public relations or psychology.

There is a beautiful balance of sweet vulnerability and powerful determination in her that intrigues me and captivates me.

I feel her.

I see her.

I hear her.

She asks my story which I share with her which in comparison seems insignificant but her eyes well up and she feels, sees and hears me too.

This woman is simply amazing.

She then begins to tell me that she loves to sing and would I like to hear her sing.

Of course I do.

She begins to sing, quietly, timidly and softly and her voice is so beautiful. There is an innocence and purity in it that is so heart warming. There is also so much emotion.

As we are sitting there, sharing and making a heart connection, I know that I would love to help her,  and would love to work with her if she would like.

There is a part of me that is hesitant. That says who am I to be offering help to someone who may not want it. Maybe it sounds patronising. Maybe… maybe…maybe…resistance…resistance…

Then I glance at my table and my book The surrender Experiment is right there.

I would love to give her some coaching. Some support. Some guidance. Some love.

I believe in her and I want to help her shine brighter and fall madly in love with herself.

I want to help empower her more to step towards her dreams.

I proceed to tell her what I do and whether she would like to work with me.

She can’t quite believe it and says yes.

Tears start running down her face as we hug. She thanks me and I thank her for this amazing opportunity I have to make a difference in this wonderful  beings life.

She deserves to be loved and deserves to have someone believe in her.

She  says it feels like a dream.

It does feel like a dream for both of us.

My surrender experiment continues to bring incredible opportunities my way.

This opportunity could easily have passed me by any other time.

But not this time.




My crazy mental monkey mind


My surrender experiment continues into the next day and it proves to be exciting, sweet, and awakening. Little bits of resistance I would usually ignore are fully present and I move towards them.

I woke up to a message from my friend Rosie to see if I wanted to go get breakfast together which I did of course. Even though my stomach was still gurgling and crampy from my sickness bug…I was starving.

We took my scooter and I scooted us off.

To put this next resistance into context I have to explain where Ive been at with me being “alone.” This actually makes me deeply uncomfortable and vulnerable sharing the craziness that goes on inside my head but that is the purpose of this blog for me… to be open, honest, transparent and to help process and document my healing journey, adventure and travels and that some of you may relate and that I may help in some way.

Before I came out to Bali, I had a couple of readings from different spiritual readers…one tarot, one channeling. They both said Bali would be life changing for me and amongst many other wonderful things, they both said that I would meet my soulmate, my mirror, the one out here. Which I have of course clung on to like a baby monkey to its mother swinging through the trees. The fact that my ex is with someone and I am not has been difficult for me to come to terms with and to hear that I am going to meet my soulmate set my excitement levels on fire!


Since arriving, I have been driving myself insane everywhere I go, thinking I might bump into him here…maybe…looking over my shoulder…looking over whoever Im withs shoulder…totally obsessed with the idea…

Total and utter insanity.

I have obviously been completely aware of this obsessive behaviour and realised that it has to stop. There is an underlying desperation and shame behind it which doesn’t feel good at all and it has been taking me out of being totally present here, allowing myself to truly enjoy myself regardless of whether I meet ‘someone’ or not. So the last few days I have been working on changing that too. Overtime I am aware of my eyes wandering for those reasons or thoughts coming into my head… I consciously become more present, breathe deeply and think of something else. Surrendering into the moment. Enjoying each and every moment as it is. And also surrendering to the fact that I may or may not meet someone but that will not dictate my time away. Its hard…as it is so engrained in me to want to be with someone. But I really am learning day by day to be strong, happy, present on my own as an empowered independent woman.

Anyway, back to being on the scooter on the way to breakfast.

So Rosie are I are discussing where to go for breakfast and 2 places pop into our choices…The avocado house (which neither of us have been and I have been slightly resistant to going for some reason) and Crate (super trendy noisy healthy delicious food place I have been a lot and which is full of beautiful hot guys where I would obviously in my crazy monkey mind love to meet my potential soul mate) LOL! Anyway, Rosie says lets go to the avocado house, and I immediately feel resistance and want to go to Crate. I even take her for a ride past it to ‘show’ her it just incase she may change her mind. Totally crazy! Make me laugh my ass off at myself!!HA!

I go with the resistance and surrender and we end up at the avocado house. Turns out it is completely lovely and quieter so Rosie and I can have a proper and catch up. It was a well needed catch up for me and we shared things that we may have perhaps been too distracted to at Crate. It helped me to not be looking over her shoulder throughout and be completely present and available for our meal together.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

These so called surrender moments are totally teaching me to become aware of my preferences, my resistance and why they are there and that I have the choice to feed them or not.

I am learning to continue to empower myself and that I am enough.

All experiences are important and have their place in expanding our awareness and consciousness.

I love that something so simple on the surface has so much depth and ‘story’ to it that no-one can see with the eyes.

But its there.

I know.

Striving to be the best damn version of myself I can be takes a whole lot of commitment and calling myself up on my own shit.

That means that I have crazy shit going on in my head… and it means I am totally aware of it, observe it and and am on its case.

Im not afraid of it and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

So heres to observing my crazy mental monkey mind and all the beauty it continues to bring into my life.


Shits and giggles

fullsizeoutput_81dI woke up just before sunrise after my night in the jungle feeling really nauseous. I had a runny tummy before I left but thought I had got away with it because I felt better when I arrived at the eco lodge.

But no….

I had a full on sickness bug. In and out of the toilet. I couldn’t keep down any food down and barely water. I tried a tiny piece of watermelon and it wooshed out of both ends within minutes.

On the bright side… I woke up to the most beautiful sunrise over the jungle whilst lying in my bed.

It was breathtaking.

Anyway…without going into too much shitty detail… This was the ultimate surrender test.

I had to surrender to the sickness.

Let go of my plans and preference.

There was nothing I could do.

My plans to go for a jungle walk and to the waterfall were not going to happen. All I needed was to get back into bed and sleep.

So I slept.

Until it was time to check out and then left in a taxi to go back to the coast Canggu where I am based.

The timing of this bug is interesting though. Just when I had decided to fully commit to letting go of another layer of the past. It feels like I am purging away what no longer serves me. Purifying and cleansing.

As unpleasant as sickness bugs are… I do feel like my body is cleansing itself.

It was lovely to arrive back to my room to more close friends I hadn’t seen in a long while, Rosie (Kits wife) and Lil Bear. The gang was back together.

It was lovely to be fussed over a little… and to be sick surrounded by love and hugs.

Anyway, after a sweaty purging restless night, I feel a bit better this morning.

It feels like the worst is over.

Im happy to be back by the sea.

Im happy I was in the jungle and had a little jungle experience.

Im happy my daughter Maia arrives tonight and my little sister Charlotte is here on the island so I am meeting her today.

The sun is shining.

And I am smiling.

Who says sickness bugs have to be shitty?


My Surrender Experiment

IMG_2229Becoming aware that I have been over indulging myself in past emotions and story…Feeling sorry for myself…addicted to the emotions of the past…attached to and feeding my old story when I have the opportunity to tell my new story… I decided enough was enough and to take action.

Action for change was needed.

Start living my new story.

Have a fucking word with myself.

I had done enough acknowledging and was slipping into feeding my drama.

So to begin to interrupt this old pattern, old story, whenever these old emotions of the past kick in… when I become aware of them (which is pretty much straight away) I say ‘CHANGE’ to myself and begin to do what I need to do to change and shift that energy and connect to and think about something else. I have the tools, power and choice to change, shift and connect to the present and the beauty that surrounds me.

The time is NOW.

I choose to change.

I am done suffering.

I am in beautiful Bali.

So immensely grateful for this opportunity.

Surrounded by beauty. Surfing. Friends. Feeling free.

I am not going to waste another second wallowing in my own self pity.

Choosing to keep myself trapped in the past.

So the next morning, I do an hour long Dr Joe Dispenza meditation “Breaking the habit of being yourself” which catapulted me into the present and future energy. Aligning your energy centres then becoming aware of your emotional addictions of the past and choosing to change them and connect to the incredible feeling of energetic alignment.

I came out of the meditation buzzing.  Aware of these emotional addictions I am so attached to but more importantly feeling the immense power of my heart energy and full of gratitude, joy and excitment for the future.

I then began to have a conversation with my friend Kit who has been hanging out with me in Canggu about surrendering and the resistance we feel to change, to do the things that we think we don’t want to do, or like, to step out of our comfort zone. Disguising it sometimes with our so called believed ‘preference’.

He began to tell me about a book he just read gifted to him by a friend called ” The Surrender Experiment” by Michael A Singer. It sounded just like what I needed in my life right now but Kit didn’t have it on him. So I let it go.

A few hours later…feeling slightly shadowy again and deciding to do another meditation by the pool to shift and change, Kit comes up to me having gone off for a ride.

He presents me with the book we had just been talking about that he had found in the hotel opposite for sale with only a couple of other books!!!


We were both stunned.


An immense feeling in my heart began to rise.

I did my 20 minute meditation and proceeded to begin to read the book.

This book is exactly what I need right now to help me navigate the next few weeks in the way I set out to in my heart.

My interpretation of the surrender experiment so far is aligning with the flow of life and not being dictated by your fears, likes or dislikes. If an opportunity arises and comes your way, that has not been manipulated or forced in anyway by you, connect to your inner guidance system and go for it.

This is the universe offering a possibility, an opportunity. Perhaps our preconceived conditioned beliefs or  preference sometimes stop us from allowing ourselves to truly receive these gifts from the universe.

If we allow it who knows where it will lead?

A quote from the book:

“What would you be doing if you weren’t being influenced by the reactions of like or dislike? Following that deeper guidance will take your life in a very different direction from where your preferences would have led you”

So I am intrigued and up for surrendering.

I have the opportunity to do this while Im away IMG_2229and who knows what experiences and opportunities will come my way.

So yesterday I was meditating again and a voice in my head kept saying “go to the jungle. Go to the jungle”

The week before I had met an artist couple from Australia I began following on Instagram a few months before leaving for my travels, inspired and touched by their posts. Check them out… @mitchgobel.

Anyway, last Sunday, I was out for lunch with friends and who walks in…. Mitch and his girlfriend Sally! Unbelievable! Anyway we chat over lunch and they tell me about this amazing eco lodge in the jungle they stayed at…showed me videos. It looked amazing and something I have wanted to do everytime I have been in Bali before but never done. Always talking myself out of it previously.

Fast forward a week and Im hearing “go to the jungle….” in my head.

Sooooooo I call up the lodge to find out if they have any rooms available for 2 nights from the next day so that I can be back for when my daughter arrives. They have 1 room left for 1 night, the next night.

I spend the next few hours in doubt…resistance kicking in….fear of going on my own kicking in…thoughts of what about missing a day of surfing kicking in….almost talking myself out of it… but eventually…

I surrender


I take it!

So here I am, the next evening, on my own, happy and full of gratitude, writing this from 700m up Mt batakaru in the tropical jungle. An eco lodge, sustainably built and connected to the natural and social environment.

A real inspiration for The Hummingbird Project.

I am in a basic but beautiful tree house with the most incredible view over the jungle and down into the valley. It is also a permaculture farm so most of what I am eating is grown from the land. There is a water hole and waterfall a short walk into the jungle. It is so peaceful and quiet with not much other noise except jungle animal and insect noises…

The jungle vibrates powerful energy from the sound, sights and smells.

I feel so connected here.

I arrived and did an hour walking meditation into the jungle and to the water hole.

I am the most super charged and aligned I have felt since arriving.

Later on I was in my room reading “the surrender experiment” when an inspirational creative idea popped into my head of how to move forward with my “work” in “my way” as Amanda Hummingbird and just as this thought popped into my head, I saw a hummingbird land on these beautiful bright orange tropical flowers right outside my treehouse and place its beak inside the flowers and begin to drink the nectar.


Tears welled up in my eyes.

My heart exploded with energy.

The signs are there if we surrender and open ourselves up.

A new medicine song popped into my head shortly after…gifted by spirit and came to me in a couple of minutes.

It is called “I surrender” (Ofcourse it is!)

Surrendering to a gut feeling and a voice led me here to connect me to my new story.

To raise my vibration and rise up in love.

To clear my head and heart from the past that was holding me back and open me up to infinite creative, exciting possibilities for the future.

My surrender experiment begins….

Surfing waves….Surfing life

Arriving in Bali has hit me with so many emotions I was and wasn’t prepared for.

I seemed to have not really considered how I would feel coming back to this island without my family, without my husband, without my marriage and how it might effect me.

Arriving with memories of “us” everywhere.

Smells, sounds and visuals that remind me of what I no longer have in my life.

Reconnecting with our lovely Bali friends…this time on my own.

Sleeping in the same bed at my friends house that I last slept in next to “him”.

I was hit by moments of deep sadness and heart ache.

Realising that I am still letting go.

Letting “him’ go

Letting “us’ go

Learning to be “me”.

I arrived and the first few days I spent distracting myself from these feelings. Wanting so badly  for this holiday to be pain and sadness free.

Forgetting that coming here is again a ‘first’.

First time without “him”.

First time without “us”

Arriving excited and having a wonderful first couple of days reconnecting with the island and friends but really underneath everywhere I looked triggered off pain and sadness.

I avoided meditating.

I avoided yoga.

I avoided myself.

By day 3  I couldn’t ignore what was underneath anymore as much as I tried. And the tears came, I embraced the pain (cause there was nothing else I could do) and I allowed myself to be held by people around me who love me here. I allowed myself to surrender to it and gave myself permission to have days here where I may be sad… holiday or not.

After a night of tears and watching LOVE a series on netflix about sex and love addiction til 1am because I couldn’t sleep…I woke up at 6am….day 4….. and went for my first surf lesson since the last time I was here 18 months ago.

And it was AWESOME.

I got up first time. Rode every wave I went for. And began to shift things in my body, mind and spirit.

Afterwards I sat on the beach and meditated for 30 mins. And I began to feel my energy rise again. I began to feel my centre.

I began to feel “me”.

The day continued to shift… I continued to shift.

I moved out of my friends house and into my own place.

My mother who happened to be in bali for a few days at the same time came and spent the day with me. Showered me with love and support.

One of my closest friends has come to stay with me who I haven’t seen since last year.

We watched the sunset together on echo beach and had a dance in the sand.

The rain came and Im now sitting here writing this.

What have I learnt…

Surfing teaches you which waves to ride and which waves to let go.

In life, I am learning which waves to ride and which waves to let go.

I am surfing waves

I am surfing life.


Nectar seeking when the unexpected happens

With the crazy snow that came in the last few days before leaving for my travels, one of my old go to initial reactions which leapt into my being (thankfully not for long cause Im getting good at catching myself now) as schools closed down, trains closed down, roads closed down, the city closed down, the country closed down.

AHHHH Panic!
How will I get to the airport?
Will I get to the airport?
Will my flight be cancelled?
The boys are off school… thats disrupted my plans for organising “stuff” and packing before I leave.
Will I get everything done?
I need to make a drama out of this.

As I caught my old thought process begin to enter my emotional body, I began to breathe deeply and get grounded into my body, connect to my centre and become aware of my old pattern of creating drama…and flip it.

I became calm.

I became still.

I had a word with myself.

All will be well and work out perfectly for me even if it doesn’t look the way I expected.

And it did.

I made a choice to go with the flow and find the beauty in the unexpected.

Let go of expectations, trust and ride the wave.

No cars on the road, a stillness and silence all around, walking everywhere with 10 inches of crunchy powdery snow, bright blue skies, crispy fresh air and people, strangers on the streets smiling at each other, talking and connecting.

I was filled me with gratitude.

It was so beautiful.

I surrendered into what was presenting itself with the weather that wasn’t in my plans and out of my control and trust that everything would be ok.

Allowed whatever to be… to be.

My boiler went out.
My wifi went out.
My phone signal went out.
I had to abandon my car.
I didn’t get to the shops to get what I wanted to for my trip.
I had client cancellations.
Trains were cancelled and I was worried about driving and I wasn’t sure how I was going to get to the airport.

And yet it all went very peacefully and smoothly.

Finding the nectar in each situation is all about perception, where you are looking from, surrendering and trusting.

The plumber had a cancellation and turned up within a few hours.
I got through to Vodafone immediately and the phone signal and wifi was fixed by the end of that day.
I had some beautiful walks talking and connecting to random strangers to and from my car and got it home before I left.
I actually didn’t ‘need’ anything from the shops and made do with what I had.
The client cancellations gave me more space to get myself organised and spend time with friends and family before I left.
My beautiful mother offered to book me a car to take me to Heathrow so I wouldn’t have to drive in this weather.

Your thoughts create your reality.
Your thoughts create your emotions.
If you choose to believe and trust things will and are working out…they will.
If you choose to think negative thoughts and create drama in your head… your reality will show up in that way too.

You have the power to choose how you want to look at things and what you think.

I left really early on the Friday to Heathrow incase of any weather disruptions and traffic but the roads were great all the way. A friend needing to get to London journeyed with me and as we arrived several hours before my flight, we found a spa and sauna by the hotel and spent a couple of lovely hours there hanging out.
Arriving to check in, I was 6 kilos over my allowance weight. Luckily my ex was flying in and we had arranged to meet for coffee and catch up before he headed home to take over with the kids so I could take the 6 kilos out of my bag for him to take home for me. We had a lovely but brief catch up, hugs and few happy emotional tears on my part, more hugs and I was off.

Again… more nectar to drink in from these experiences.

What I am appreciating more and more is we can look at situations as obstacles, disruptions, or we can look at them as opportunities to drink in the beauty and sweetness that life offers us.

You can choose to practice complaining.

You can choose to practice anger.

You can choose to practice worrying.

Or you can choose to practice gratitude and joy.

Whatever you choose to practice you will get good at.

Its a choice.

On the first leg of my flight to Dubai… I sat next to this lovely guy who works in film as a visual effects editor. He on his way to Nairobi to meet his boyfriend for a holiday, me on my way to Bali. We start up a chat as he notices me hovering over the film “Surburbicon’ and points out to me he worked on that film. We immediately have a lovely connection and end up having a beautiful flight chatting and sharing with each other intimate details of our lives. We exchange numbers and Im pretty sure will stay in touch.

When opportunities for walking the beauty path present themselves, we have a choice to either go for it or not.

I am going for it.

Im feeling aligned.

Im feeling blessed.

There really is sweet nectar in everything, it just depends on where you look.