Trust

IMG_0012I found the text written below this morning on my laptop. I had forgotten that I had written it just after I had come back from my 6 week adventure and travels to Bali and Australia.

Realising that for the first time in my life… I was and am really beginning to feel empowered in myself and trusting that I can support myself and look after myself and “be” on my own.

Below is what I wrote…

Trusting that you have all the answers yourself if you learn to listen to your intuition and connect to your inner guidance system.

One of my past beliefs that I have begun to let go of is that I cannot do “life” on my own and my fear of getting it wrong would stop me from doing anything at all.

When I began my transformative healing journey…whichever practice/course/person that I was connected to at the time became like another addiction. Something that I needed when times were tough. 

The true healing comes when you learn what you need to learn from these tools, connect to your inner world and energy and begin to trust yourself. 

Trust that you have all that you need to overcome these hurdles on your own. 

Empowering yourself to be able to give yourself what you need and work through things yourself. 

Yes I believe we all need support, guidance and help to begin with but eventually we need to begin to lean on ourselves. 

When I began coaching last year… what I became aware of as time went by is my need to immediately call someone when a challenge presented itself. Call my coach or a friend. To look to someone else for the answers or to help me find the answers. This came from a lack of belief in myself. And if I couldn’t get hold of anyone I would feel anxiety, fear and doubt over whether I could work it out on my own and fear of getting it wrong.

Where I am now is… when challenges present themselves and I immediately become aware of myself reaching for my phone to call someone, coach, therapist, friend….I catch myself and stop. I then give myself time and space to breathe, get present, move my body in anyway that it needs to shift whatever is coming up, go for a walk, connect to nature, give it some space so I may get some clarity.

Sit with being uncomfortable with whatever has come up. 

Allow it to pass and trust that I can work it out myself.

And sometimes trust that I don’t even need to know. I just need to be able to sit with it and allow it to pass and raise my vibration back to where I want to be sitting in the not knowing. 

Often These beliefs come from experiences that happen to us as a child that lead us to stop trusting in ourselves, stop believing in ourselves. Stop trusting “our gut”. Stop us from believing that we are enough. 

We ARE ALL enough.

My role now as a healer, bodyworker, yoga teacher, coach, mentor, whatever label you want to call it, is to guide people back into their bodies, into their light, raise their energy to a place of consciousness where they can begin to feel and trust their inner guidance system. Empower them to be able to listen to themselves and the answers within and take action accordingly. Be fearless and free. 

To confront fear right in the face and not be afraid to get it wrong. To do the work themselves. To be empowered independent beings that belief in themselves, trust in themselves and are willing to be courageous enough to stand their ground, stand strong, and as Brene Brown says “braving the wilderness.”

I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin. More connected to who I am, what I feel, why I am feeling it and what I need to do or not do about it.

My desire is to lead by example, especially for my children, so they may learn to be empowered in their lives and feel and trust themselves, to guide, support and share my path with whoever needs help so they may become empowered to connect to and be on their own path.

Standing strong alone… and together. 

Emerging Proud

DSC08241Today is International Emerging Proud day. A campaign started a few years ago by my dear friend Katie Mottram to reframe mental health as a possible catalyst for spiritual awakening and transformation. I have written a medicine song called Emergence for this day and will be singing and drumming it around Norwich city centre to raise awareness. It will also be sung or played in other countries around the world.

The truth is….I have been absolutely shitting myself.

About to step into my power and show myself, utterly exposed in my vulnerability and authenticity which is what I advocate and now that I actually have this opportunity…A part of my wants to run and hide.

The part that fears all the judgement that has followed me around here for years.

The part that knows there are so many people who laugh and gossip about me behind my back.

The part that fears I am not enough.

The part that fears getting it wrong.

The part that wants to stay in the shadows…the illusion of safety and security.

But that is now a part of my old self that I do not feed or listen to.

The part I listen to is the part that will step into my wiser self

Amanda Hummingbird

Hummingbird Fairy Warrior.

Medicine singer. Medicine woman.

Empowered, wise and strong.

Desiring to make a difference in this world.

To make the world a more beautiful place.

Loving, compassionate.

Fearless in the face of fear.

Authentic, humble and oh so proud to be apart of so many magical life changing projects.

Today is about Emerging Proud.

Today is about every word I wrote in my song.

Today is about all these wonderful people who have suffered under mental health, branded as crazy, mad and other labels and have now courageously come out of the spiritual closet.

Today is about love, connection and community.

Today is much bigger than me.

Today is about “WE”.

Today is about “US.”

Todays is about emergence.

I will leave you with the words from my song as I prepare myself to join so many others in Emerging Proud together.

If you are in Norwich city centre today…come and support us and sing along.

Send us some love and a warm smile.

We are all in this together.

Emergence 

Emerging out from the dark 

Emerging out beneath the bark 

Seeing, hearing, feeling lost 

You are not alone 

 

Emerging from confusion 

Emerging from illusion 

Let your light shine through 

You are not alone 

 

Emerging into the light 

Shine your beauty so bright 

Sharing, caring, connecting,

We are not alone 

 

Standing strong in your ground 

once lost and now found

Standing strong and oh so proud 

Standing strong together 

 

 

Never stop Trusting, Never stop Believing, Never stop Dreaming

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Trusting and surrendering is proving to be an interesting, exciting, surprising, inspiring ride towards my dreams.

Getting out of my own way to allow for the universe to deliver to me exactly what I need to guide me towards my dreams.

Staying as present as I can, as often as I can keeps me buzzing with energy, connected to spirit and magic everywhere.

This week has been my second week back to teaching yoga. My inconsistencies have made it difficult for myself to build up a class and I take full responsibility for that and intend to change that now I am back, centred, healed and empowered from my travels and adventures.

The last 2 weeks, I have had a lovely lady turn up, (I’ll call he LL) fairly new to yoga and in particular new to forrest yoga. In the past, this would have broken my spirit a little, hoping for a few more, but this time, in my surrendering state, I trusted the universe has my back and LL has given up her time and courageously shown up for herself, out of her comfort zone to try something new and I also committed to showing up for myself and whoever shows up for class, sharing the best of myself with love, compassion and gratitude.

So this week, Thats exactly what I did. I connected to my heart, surrendered to the 90 mins, holding space for LL, asking how to serve her best and giving her the best 1-1 I could.

At the end of the class, she was clearly lit up, sparkling from 90 minutes surrendering and connecting to spirit, releasing and opening. She expressed how amazing she felt, what an amazing class that was and how it was nothing like she had ever done and had never felt and when it came to pay me… insisted on paying me for a 1-1 rather than a class drop in. (£40 instead of £10)

I was so surprised, thankful and full of joy. I felt so valued, acknowledged and humbled. I was reminded that whatever I do, if I do it with genuine intention of love and compassion, a genuine desire to connect and make a difference, it will be received in exactly that way and the universe rewards you with abundance.

So my message and lesson from this beautifully magical moment is

Get out of your own way…Surrender to whatever is presented to you, especially if it is opportunity for you to step into your wiser self, step into the best version of yourself that you can be.

Surrender with grace, integrity and authenticity regardless of whether you think it is good or not.

Because

“Sometimes the wrong train is the right train!”

HAHA one of my favourite sayings!!

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Believe…one of my first tattoos that has always been a welcomed reminder to

Never stop Believing.

Never stop Dreaming.

Never stop Trusting.

Life is fucking awesome!!

And I LOVE all that I do in my life. ❤

 

Free to Be

IMG_2543It feels so strange to not be driven by the old pain and story that has lived inside my body as long as I remember. Since the cacao ceremony in Ubud, I feel like I have been walking around in a different body.

Is this what it feels like to have a healed heart?

Will this last?

A body that feels physically different.

A body that feels energetically different.

A body that feels surreal.

Lighter.

Whole.

Peace.

My heart feels whole and free.

The last 6 weeks have totally surprised me. Where I am with myself now, as I sit here at the airport, waiting for my flight home. I came out here…still hurting. Looking for, expecting and hoping to meet my soul mate. And instead, I am heading home, feeling unattached and realising the gift each connection, experience, circumstance had for me in releasing my old story and happy to be heading home on my own, free, strong, centre, grounded and no longer yearning for someone or something other than myself.

I can feel that in my solar plexus, where there used to be a cold emptiness, is replaced with warmth, wholeness, calmness.

I feel like I can see beyond my vision, hear beneath the words, feel behind whats being felt and all with a curious, playfulness.

Being able to ride the present moment has been the key.

Always coming back to the now, and connecting to the unknown and accepting, allowing and feeling gratitude and excitement because I just don’t know how anything will show up in my life.

Allowing for the not knowing, allows for the past to stay in the past and a present future to present itself with infinite possibilities and gifts. In each moment now, I am aware of infinite beautiful possibilities.

It seems that when I have been manifesting dreams and desires…there have been certain barriers, lessons and resistance that I needed to overcome, regain my power over, learn from, in order to evolve, raise my vibration and be a vibrational match for the reality of my dreams. Surrendering to those lessons has freed me from my own judgement and attachment to circumstances and situations.

In short, I finally feel like Im beginning to be free from the chains of my past. Free from the emotional addictions of my past.

Free from the dramas of my past.

Free to create.

Free to be.

 

Day of Silence… or maybe not.

fullsizeoutput_855Last night was the Nyepi ceremonies in Bali. Nyepi is the Hindu New year and a day of silence follows the evening ceremonies. Huge hindu demon god statues are carried around in a procession. It is the day the Hindu demons come out and fly over the land and in order that they fly over and don’t enter anyones homes, silence and darkness is needed. No one is allowed on the streets from 6am. Everything shuts down and closes including the airport. From 6pm til 6am the following morning there is no electricity.

A day of silence.

It is also the New Moon.

Time to think about what I would like to let go of this moon phase.

For me… I am letting go of expectations. Surrendering and letting go of what and how I expect things to look, feel and turn out.

I am now in Ubud, for Nyepi, the spiritual medicine capitol of Bali. Busy, buzzing, amazing jungle energy around. I am here to prepare for assisting on the second half of the forrest yoga teacher training which starts tomorrow. So its like a lock in our resort with all the 41 trainees, assistants and lead teachers, as well as all the other people staying here on holiday.

There is a peaceful calming energy in the air that comes with this lock in and day of silence.

A surrendering and letting go that comes with not being able to go anywhere or do anything.

I am choosing to have time on my own even if I could surround myself all day with friends which is what I usually would have done.

I choose to sit on my own in a beautiful shaded pagoda and write this.

Maybe do a meditation.

Really beginning to enjoy ‘being’ here…now.

Really enjoying ‘being’ present which can be a struggle for me.

“Being’ in this blissful state of gratitude.

Surrendering my mind to the silence.

Connecting to my breath at all times.

Noticing and becoming really sensitive to the subtleness but such brightness of the beauty around me.

Feeling the cool breeze whisper past my head and through my hair. Listening for messages from the trees as their leaves dance in the wind.

The brightness of the colours of the tropical flowers all around.

The patterns and beauty in the tree trunks and shapes the branches of the trees make.

The shadows from the sun and trees and plants.

Becoming more and more present.

More and more connected.

Of course… life has other ideas for me to learn about silence and stillness.

Im not on my own for long. My friends come over wanting to play cards. The 3 of them climb onto the pagoda.

I am carrying on with what I am doing…wanting to be SILENT!

They put on some music.

They are talking….loudly

They start slamming their cards down on the table.

My silence is clearly been interrupted.

Its interesting to observe a slight annoyance build up inside of me with every bang, interruption, distraction.

Bu no sooner that I notice the resistance… I begin giggling to myself as I am writing this …. laughing at yet another opportunity to surrendering to this moment I have attracted.

Letting go of expectations of what I wanted my day of silence to look like.

Allowing what comes my way.

Embracing these wonderful beings that I love so dearly, to be around me whilst I remain still and silent.

Embracing this moment as it is and what gifts it has to offer me.

Drinking the nectar.

I am still within myself and embracing the peace I can feel within when there is noise and distractions around me.

This feeling of groundedness.

Wholeness.

Gratitude.

All within.

What a gift to be able to embrace and connect to the silence and stillness within when there is noise and distractions around you.

What a gift to be able to choose to either feel annoyed by a situation or surrender and receive what the universe has presented  before you.

 

Hearts touching and touching hearts

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My heart is filled with so much gratitude and warmth this morning.

I have just left breakfast having spent the last hour sitting and talking with the manager of my hotel Amy.

Amy was born male and identifies as female. She is one of the few transgenders in the community here and there are really very few. She doesn’t have any other trans friends here.

From the moment I checked in, we connected. She has this  warm and sweet energy and is a bright light waiting to shine brighter.

Everyday I have been here, we talk a little more. She shows her vulnerability and insecurities with me which is so very endearing.  But this morning was different. This morning we sat and shared our lives, our fears, our insecurities and our dreams.

She shared with me the deeply traumatic childhood she had and how she has overcome so much adversity to be sitting next to me, with the courage to express and be her true self and the determination to have got herself the job as manager at this hotel at age 22. She has no family support and has done it all on her own.

Her story touches my heart  and our hearts connect deeply this morning.

I ask her what her dreams are.

If she could do anything more right now what would she do?

She would love to go to university to study… public relations or psychology.

There is a beautiful balance of sweet vulnerability and powerful determination in her that intrigues me and captivates me.

I feel her.

I see her.

I hear her.

She asks my story which I share with her which in comparison seems insignificant but her eyes well up and she feels, sees and hears me too.

This woman is simply amazing.

She then begins to tell me that she loves to sing and would I like to hear her sing.

Of course I do.

She begins to sing, quietly, timidly and softly and her voice is so beautiful. There is an innocence and purity in it that is so heart warming. There is also so much emotion.

As we are sitting there, sharing and making a heart connection, I know that I would love to help her,  and would love to work with her if she would like.

There is a part of me that is hesitant. That says who am I to be offering help to someone who may not want it. Maybe it sounds patronising. Maybe… maybe…maybe…resistance…resistance…

Then I glance at my table and my book The surrender Experiment is right there.

I would love to give her some coaching. Some support. Some guidance. Some love.

I believe in her and I want to help her shine brighter and fall madly in love with herself.

I want to help empower her more to step towards her dreams.

I proceed to tell her what I do and whether she would like to work with me.

She can’t quite believe it and says yes.

Tears start running down her face as we hug. She thanks me and I thank her for this amazing opportunity I have to make a difference in this wonderful  beings life.

She deserves to be loved and deserves to have someone believe in her.

She  says it feels like a dream.

It does feel like a dream for both of us.

My surrender experiment continues to bring incredible opportunities my way.

This opportunity could easily have passed me by any other time.

But not this time.

 

 

 

My crazy mental monkey mind

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My surrender experiment continues into the next day and it proves to be exciting, sweet, and awakening. Little bits of resistance I would usually ignore are fully present and I move towards them.

I woke up to a message from my friend Rosie to see if I wanted to go get breakfast together which I did of course. Even though my stomach was still gurgling and crampy from my sickness bug…I was starving.

We took my scooter and I scooted us off.

To put this next resistance into context I have to explain where Ive been at with me being “alone.” This actually makes me deeply uncomfortable and vulnerable sharing the craziness that goes on inside my head but that is the purpose of this blog for me… to be open, honest, transparent and to help process and document my healing journey, adventure and travels and that some of you may relate and that I may help in some way.

Before I came out to Bali, I had a couple of readings from different spiritual readers…one tarot, one channeling. They both said Bali would be life changing for me and amongst many other wonderful things, they both said that I would meet my soulmate, my mirror, the one out here. Which I have of course clung on to like a baby monkey to its mother swinging through the trees. The fact that my ex is with someone and I am not has been difficult for me to come to terms with and to hear that I am going to meet my soulmate set my excitement levels on fire!

But…

Since arriving, I have been driving myself insane everywhere I go, thinking I might bump into him here…maybe…looking over my shoulder…looking over whoever Im withs shoulder…totally obsessed with the idea…

Total and utter insanity.

I have obviously been completely aware of this obsessive behaviour and realised that it has to stop. There is an underlying desperation and shame behind it which doesn’t feel good at all and it has been taking me out of being totally present here, allowing myself to truly enjoy myself regardless of whether I meet ‘someone’ or not. So the last few days I have been working on changing that too. Overtime I am aware of my eyes wandering for those reasons or thoughts coming into my head… I consciously become more present, breathe deeply and think of something else. Surrendering into the moment. Enjoying each and every moment as it is. And also surrendering to the fact that I may or may not meet someone but that will not dictate my time away. Its hard…as it is so engrained in me to want to be with someone. But I really am learning day by day to be strong, happy, present on my own as an empowered independent woman.

Anyway, back to being on the scooter on the way to breakfast.

So Rosie are I are discussing where to go for breakfast and 2 places pop into our choices…The avocado house (which neither of us have been and I have been slightly resistant to going for some reason) and Crate (super trendy noisy healthy delicious food place I have been a lot and which is full of beautiful hot guys where I would obviously in my crazy monkey mind love to meet my potential soul mate) LOL! Anyway, Rosie says lets go to the avocado house, and I immediately feel resistance and want to go to Crate. I even take her for a ride past it to ‘show’ her it just incase she may change her mind. Totally crazy! Make me laugh my ass off at myself!!HA!

I go with the resistance and surrender and we end up at the avocado house. Turns out it is completely lovely and quieter so Rosie and I can have a proper and catch up. It was a well needed catch up for me and we shared things that we may have perhaps been too distracted to at Crate. It helped me to not be looking over her shoulder throughout and be completely present and available for our meal together.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

These so called surrender moments are totally teaching me to become aware of my preferences, my resistance and why they are there and that I have the choice to feed them or not.

I am learning to continue to empower myself and that I am enough.

All experiences are important and have their place in expanding our awareness and consciousness.

I love that something so simple on the surface has so much depth and ‘story’ to it that no-one can see with the eyes.

But its there.

I know.

Striving to be the best damn version of myself I can be takes a whole lot of commitment and calling myself up on my own shit.

That means that I have crazy shit going on in my head… and it means I am totally aware of it, observe it and and am on its case.

Im not afraid of it and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

So heres to observing my crazy mental monkey mind and all the beauty it continues to bring into my life.